ANGUISH

Growing up at the age of 53, being responsible, facing life not running away.  When I take a moment to stop and think about things, I feel grateful.  I have my first apartment on my own, and it feels great. I used to rent rooms either above a bar, or in someone’s house, or shacked up with a woman, I usually wore out my welcome sooner rather than later.  Of course then there were the times when I slept outside, “urban camping”, or at a rescue mission, or rehab, or a mental hospital, or an involuntary guest at the county prison, sometimes prison was preferable to the daily struggle of how am I going to get what I need today?  Some mornings I just wanted to lay there nauseas and hurting, but couldn’t just lay there getting sicker had to get up get out there and see what I could make happen. Sometimes it amazed me, how I could come up with $10.00 or $20.00 out of empty pockets.  I was a survivor, most addicts are We will get what we need for that day, not what we wanted but enough to make it till tomorrow, to do it all over again.  BUT, (just letting everyone know it’s a big but) my life is so much better now.  I have a nice apartment to live in without fear of eviction.  I don’t feel that anguish everyday.  I don’t feel that horrible shame and guilt, those feeling only served to keep me down.  I am thankful for my life I don’t hate myself now.  I have plenty of things to work on in my life, BUT the desperation of addiction is not one of them.  Thank God.

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